Teen Challenge Interational Victoria Inc

Self Assesment : Kindling Enterprises : Life Transformation Self Assessment

Rehabilitation Help for Families

Are you offering the wrong kind of help to your loved ones?

A common problem today is confusion about how to help a loved one who has a life controlling issue (such as an addiction to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling or clinical depression). When offered the wrong kind of help to that person, you can end up feeding the problem.

Parents, friends and other family members often ask how we can help our son, daughter, grandchild, friend etc. who is using drugs; hanging around in the wrong crowds; simply becoming overwhelmed by life. Many of these parents/friends have done all they can to help - yet they watch painfully as their child/friend continues down a path of destruction.

So what can parents or friends do to help their loved ones?

What is enabling?

Enabling is offering the wrong kind of help. Enabling is rescuing your loved one so they don’t experience the painful consequences of their irresponsible decisions. Enabling is anything that stands in the way of a person experiencing the natural consequences of their own behaviour.

 

Many parents simply cannot stand by and watch their child suffer from bad decisions - so they rescue them.  Can you identify with this kind of thinking? “I can understand that my son/daughter/friend needs to experience the painful consequences of his/her actions but I cannot stand to see them suffer- after all they still are innocent underneath all the mess.”  So you “help” them, time and again.

 

At first glance it seems the loving thing to do – to help the “innocent” person. However, this could not be further from the truth. Yet there are no simple answers. All too often we offer help, not out of well informed decisions, but simply because we think it’s the right thing to do. Some parents/friends attempt to help by minimizing the damage in the lives of their loved one. The result - they become part of the problem. For example, buying an alcoholic another drink because they threaten to leave; or giving money to the intravenous drug user; or allowing the addict to use in your house, etc. You are inadvertently condoning their behaviour. The truth is there is no such thing as safe substance abuse.  When we give anyone the impression there is a safe way of self harm, it’s as ridiculous as it sounds. Self harm in the form of addictive behaviour always causes damage. When we step in and rescue people from the consequences of their actions, we only push our loved one farther down the path of delusion and destruction.  It’s hard to watch – but it’s only when they hit rock bottom that they can really feel the consequences of their own choices.

Are you offering the Wrong kind of help?

How are we to know if we are giving the wrong kind of help? One test is to ask, “Does my help prevent this person from the natural consequences of their irresponsible decisions?”  Another test: Has the help you have been giving actually helping? Is your loved one changing? Look at their actions.  Is there clear evidence of becoming a responsible person? Or is your loved one caught up in another crisis - continuing down the path of destruction?

 

All too often parents keep rescuing their children when the problems are little problems. Before you know it your child/friend is still making irresponsible decisions, and you are still rescuing them - but now we are talking about big problems, life controlling destructive problems. If your son/daughter/friend is going to change their way of life, then you MUST stop giving the wrong kind of help

Pain motivates change.

When we rescue a loved one from the painful consequences of their irresponsible decisions, we often slow or even halt their motivation to change.

If you stop enabling, get ready for more trouble.

When you stop enabling - when you stop offering the wrong kind of help - you have no guarantee of quick solutions in the life of your lived one. Your loved one may become angry at you - and for a “good” reason. You’ve stopped rescuing them! Now they are beginning to feel the painful consequences of their irresponsible decisions.

 

Be warned he/she may attack you, “What kind of friend/parent are you? You’re supposed to help these you love.” They will use any argument to heap guilt on you in an attempt to regain the “help” that they were receiving previously. Standing firm, not giving in, is the best possible way to truly help your loved one.

 

How to Give Helpful Help

There is nothing wrong in caring – it’s your care for your loved one that probably led you to this website.  We want to be able to help as well.  If you want to take the next step, contact the Live Free Program on (03) 5852 3777, or click here.